Complete Transparency

The Jonah response to God’s calling is a common trend we can all suffer if we do not heed His calling. This may be the hardest article I have had to write. I am going to approach this with complete vulnerability and openness. My attempt is to take you through some of my darkest times as a young married man and share with you doubt, fear, and stubbornness on my part. This may feel like a Jonah themed story, but to that point, we share many similarities. We both ran from a calling that culminated through selfish ambition.

Taking it Back Before the Jonah Calling

Let’s take it back to 2013. I was about to marry the woman God put in front of me. To be honest, I was not quite ready to be a leader and had little zeal for God’s plan. See, God had put a burden on my heart for ministry back then, but I fell into a financial trap of selfish thinking. We may need to take this back a little further. As I’m writing this, I can think back to God’s calling a bit earlier.

At the age of 21….. wait God, I’m still not telling it right?! Okay, okay, okay….. at 13 years of age, God called me to Him and I answered the call to salvation. I began to ask God what to do with my life, and He put ministry in my heart. I longed to be a pastor, a shepherd, a leader. I was young, and I cared a lot about what others had to say about it. So, I let my friends talk me out of it and I began to chase the flesh rather than what God had for me.

I did well in my walk with Jesus at the time, but I constantly fought the calling He put before me. It even got to the point where I no longer felt the desire to preach. Let me tell you, if you run from God, His calling can fade. This is because He wants a willing heart, not an opposing spirit. As I slipped away from God, I started to notice I craved more from what people thought of me. I found satisfaction in other’s opinions of myself. My life started to feel empty, I became depressed and almost sought suicide.

The Jonah Experience in Running from God’s Calling

During these times I did a lot of things I am not proud of doing. I became sexually active before marriage. I got a high off of using money and spending it to gain friendship. Even to the point that I stole my parent’s money to do so. I was going down a path that was extremely dangerous. What’s worse is that I shut off all godly counsel and I stiffened my heart away from any authority on my life that wasn’t me. I thought I had become my own master.

But praise God, His call didn’t stop there. It’s hard to describe, but have you ever experienced a distant sound that’s almost unrecognizable? You can’t quite make out the sound, but you hear it. As you inch closer, the sound is clearer, the message is starting to come through. Well, don’t get too excited. The realization of God’s call was imminent yet again, but my caution to hear it was stronger than the calling. However, it’s good to know that God doesn’t give up easily on us.

Sipping That Lukewarm Jonah Water

Now, it was 2011. I’ve messed up enough on my own and I needed an escape from my own doing. So where do I turn? I turn to Bible college. What did I think was going to happen here? It was here that God’s call came out a little bit louder. “Chris, why are you running? Are you done serving yourself?” But, through this calling, I decided to give God part of myself. I became lukewarm. I was neither hot nor cold. I let God put the right woman in front of me. I drew closer than I was to God, but I never fully surrendered. I was sipping on that lukewarm Jonah water.

The constant running from God stirred an unsettling in my life. Nowhere we went and no change that came upon me and my life felt good enough. In 2013, I married Alicia. We forcefully tried to make life work in Fort Myers, Florida at that time, but to be honest, my heart wasn’t ready for all these changes. Our marriage started off poorly and I had little compassion to any of Alicia’s thoughts and ideas. I ran our marriage the way I wanted it to be.

I’m sure Alicia was lonely. She sought comfort and compassion outside what I was offering her. She found ways to be faithful to me, but I made it hard for her to find submission to my leadership. (Or lack of it anyways). After our forceful move to Belmont North Carolina, we started attending my old church Promised Land Baptist in Gastonia.

I still had a desire to teach. So, I sought out Pastor Blankenship to teach the young adults class. This wasn’t exactly what God was calling me to do, but I felt as if I could fill His calling with this instead. I was so wrong. As much of a blessing as it was, I found that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was still being lukewarm. To make this story a bit shorter, I walked away from teaching as I was doing it for the wrong reasons and trying to fill a void rather than surrendering.

The Whale is Being Called to Swallow Me Up

After about a year, we made the decision together to move to Saint Petersburg, Florida. This was a huge step in God’s calling, but yet again it was another chance for me to run. The move to Saint Petersburg did a lot for our marriage and family life. It came with challenges, but God started a more aggressive burden to ministry. Taking a job for Wells Fargo is what brought us here, and our marriage was looking better. We spent good time together and I started to focus a little more on Alicia than I had in the past.

I have many people to thank for refocusing my marriage during those times. Specifically, I want to thank Daryn, a still good friend of mine. It was here in Saint Petersburg that I learned to focus on my wife a little more, to enjoy life together, and the importance of family. I also met some really good people here and became involved in youth ministry. I found a lot of satisfaction in this work, however I let life get in the way of God’s calling yet again.

This leads me to yet another move. This time, it was about growing our family. And this move, I can fully say that God was in it 100%. This move still came with grief, doubt, and once again my stubbornness. I’m going to pause this progress right quick and focus on a big part of our move back to Fort Myers.

At this time, Alicia was pregnant with Theodore, our oldest son. God put on my heart to be closer to my in-laws living in Fort Myers. I truly did want to listen more, even in my lukewarm relationship with God. My mother-in-law Kathy always played a big part in my marriage, my faith, and my family. God was pulling us back to Fort Myers for not only growth, but goodbyes.

In 2020, Kathy passed away with colon cancer. Some of the greatest memories we have with her are our times in Saint Pete and Fort Myers. There’s a lot to be said about her influence in running back to Jesus. She’s helped countless people of that realization to follow Christ. She is the true definition of an evangelist. Her heart for people didn’t stop with the people she was close to, but it expanded into everyone she was about to know.

The Shame and Guilt of Rejecting God’s Jonah Plan

But, I need to rewind just about a year. Where was I? Oh, I really don’t want to do this… Are you sure God? Okay, okay, okay…. Here I am chasing a career. Still caring about what others think of me and measuring my success on accolades. I become a branch manager at a bank. During this training I get away from my current life for ONE WEEK. I had just had a new baby boy, and my life is so different now. I didn’t feel excitement. I felt alone. During my training I meet someone that makes me laugh, that laughed at me, that gave me attention. I gave into this attention and I became emotionally available to that person.

This emotional attachment caused me to doubt what I had with Alicia. I began to lie to her, I began to lie to other people, and I wanted to destroy my marriage because of an emotional tie to another woman. We can dig into this or we can acknowledge it for what it was. I cheated on my wife. Even though not sexually, I wanted to. I almost left the one last thing that was holding me to His calling. My marriage with Alicia.

Through this darkest time in my life, I almost lost being a husband, a leader, and my ability to serve in ministry. But thank God for second chances. It took God taking Kathy away from our family to really get my attention. So, for those of you reading this, I do feel extreme guilt. I truly believe God wanted me so much that He went through extreme measures to get me back. Of course, He did it for His glory. However, sin has an effect.

Through this time, I had a pastor walk me through my own feelings and point me back to Jesus and to my marriage. Thank you Pastor Steve! It took an amazing amount of love from Alicia to stick by and pray. She begged God to save our marriage. She pleaded with friends to help bring me back. Thank you Josh for being a godly counsel in these times.

Embracing the Jonah Shame for His Glory

This is a story I don’t share, because of the shame I feel when telling it. But I do believe God is using it for His glory. God brought me to a point where I needed to surrender not only my life, but my marriage, and my family. I then confidently followed God’s call to New Bern, North Carolina.

God brought us away from Florida, away from pretty much everyone to speak to me. To focus on my heart and what I’ve been running from. I hear His call loud and clear. This time, I know it’s specific. I know He has a process, but He has called me to be a missionary. He has opened the door to Sicily and placed that burden on my heart. This time, I’m not approaching God with a lukewarm spirit. This time, I’m deep into His word, I’m praying about His plan. I’m focused on my family throughout His calling. Please, I know my life has been through spirals. I know that I’ve always been quick to act and slow to listen. But this is different. God wants to use my family in Italy, and I’m not running away from Him any longer. I’m fully surrendered and want to remain hot for Jesus.

I’m asking that people come around us. Not to focus on what I was when running from Jesus, but what God is calling me in to – missions. We need people who are receptive in this calling just as we are. I really do hope God is speaking to you through my testimony and that you don’t hear the voice of Christopher Hamilton. We need prayer more than ever. We need financial generosity to make His calling a reality. God never gave up on me, I hope that everyone we know and love can follow that same path.

As you can see, I’m not worthy of God’s calling. I have lived a life selfishly and sought after my own advances. God never gave up on me. He kept His call persistent even through my rejections of that call. He has given me new meaning and I am embracing that and holding His promises close. He has promised to give me desires that edify His kingdom. He has promised to enable me financially to accomplish His plan. He has promised to put people in our path that help us follow His direction. Thank you for following along that journey. Thank you for answering God’s call!

Interested in the Bible Project’s Animated Story of Jonah?

Credit to Bible Project’s – Book of Jonah Summary

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